abNORMAL findings

I’m drawn to this topic after spending the past hour on Google and webMD trying to determine what life-threatening sickness. Don’t lie; we’re all guilty of this. Falling into the trap of self-diagnosis. Yes, with the advent of the Internet, we were provided with a terrific resource to find out just about anything you want with the click of a mouse. And for some that becomes a day glued to your screen looking at videos about rock climbing and for others, fascinated by the endless supply of sloth photos. Regardless of your interests, there’s something out there for you. And while this is often a very helpful resource, it can also prove very detrimental to your sanity.

I can attest to the evils of Google searches, particularly WebMD, for fueling my hypochondria. On any given day, I could come up with a myriad of diseases or health problems that I am afflicted with. Some of them seemingly mundane and others seriously life threatening. The underlying fact is I am convinced that I must have all of them, or at LEAST one of them. I could spend days talking about all the things that I could potentially be suffering from, within the past week. But that would take too much time and more importantly, I don’t have any legitimate reason to think that I actually have one or any of them. Merely the “feeling” that something is slightly off with my body. So I must be sick with something. So there I go, opening up two tabs, WebMD and Google. You’ll notice that I directly go to WebMD, like it’s some true authority on my apparent ailment and using Google search as a second opinion.

So here I am typing my “symptoms” into the symptom checker and as I see the list I start thinking REALLY hard if I could have any of them and eventually I’m poking myself so I click the“tenderness” option (or any other comparable scenarios where I’m actually deliberately inflicting the pain to create another symptom.) Then I start Googling my symptoms and searching all the diseases that WebMD has produced related to my apparent symptoms. Pretty soon I’ve spent, or shall I say wasted, hours of my day thinking my normal healthy life, as I knew it is over. Then the anxiety kicks in and here I am just thinking. Which I think is one of the most dangerous things someone can do ever. I mean yes, people come up with great thoughts in those moments of solitude. But your own mind can also be the most dangerous place you can imagine.

So back to why I decided on this topic for this week, today I see this rash on my face and have procured a list of 20 potential diseases it could potentially be. In a mere ten minutes. I mean, I guess you should give me some credit for the sheer swiftness with which I’ve determined how sick I must be? But hey, guess what? The reality is, my real problem today is likely just hives or acne, if there is in fact anything actually wrong with me. And guess what? What is one of the causes of both hives and acne? Stress. Crazy right? Maaaaayybbeee the stress from my hypochondria has caused this affliction of hives/acne. But wait, I need to stop there, before I diagnose myself with acne and then start to come up with my other“symptoms”. Next thing you know, I’ll have jumped to determining that I have Chron’s disease or Ulcerative Colitis because I took Accutane. And of course that has to be why my acne is back and I *now* also have pain in my stomach. And well of course I’d be the rare case with the side effect, because my mom hated that I took the medicine. Should have listened to mom I guess?

But honestly, I think what all of us hypochondriacs are really stricken with is the terrible malady of stress and worry. And well it’s self-inflicted. We get all worried about simple things and then start to think that our body feels weird, and so there MUST be something wrong with us. That itch could NOT be normal! Or maybe it is. Because maybe it’s just the fact that it is starting to get cold and your skin is dry. Try some lotion and maybe an oatmeal bath before you decide you have chicken pox. Even though you’ve already had it and vividly remember running around your living room when you were 7, naked and covered from head to toe in little red bumps. And even if you don’t actually remember it, there is photographic evidence.

The thing really is that this hypochondria stems from our other worries in life. So I am living in Beijing now. Originally doing the thing that 90% of the expats do, teaching English. Well after a year of that glamorous life, I wanted a change of pace, but I also wanted to stay in China. So as luck may have it I randomly was told about a job and started a week later. Incredibly quick turnover for a decent paying, good, “real person”job. So I was happy, enjoying my life, excited to stay in Beijing for even a little bit longer since I wasn’t quite ready to close this Asian adventure chapter in my life. But with this great luck and excitement, there was this sense of apprehension, lurking in the shadows. All of the sudden I was so nervous, I was worrying about the medical I would need to pass in order to get my visa. Even though in the grand scheme of things my lifestyle isn’t enough to cause me to fail a standard medical.

So here I was, nervously awaiting the results of my physical. And hey, maybe THAT is the reason I had the hives from earlier. You know that worry and subsequent stress? (Side note: I have this talent for jumping to conclusions, way too easily. One thing happens and all of the sudden I am planning my day fifty years down the road. Which does not help to alleviate stress. At all.) So, in this case, I left my physical exam and started planning where I would go, and who I would invite, for my going away dinner. I had already concluded this going away dinner was inevitable because I was obviously going to fail my medical exam. And did I have any valid reason to think I would actually fail this exam? No. But here I was, looking up the phone number for my favorite sushi place and trying to decide who I would want to be at this shin-dig. So there I am deciding if I should invite that friend of a friend, that I don’t know that well when I have absolutely no reason to realistically believe that I will fail. And if I did happen to fail, well the reality is that it would be a GOOD thing to know that I was sick. So that I could get healthy again.

And just as my hives are starting to itch and I’m packing my suitcases in my head, I get the envelope from the doctor. Open it, hands shaking, preparing what I’ll say when I read the unfavorable results. But guess what? NO ABNORMAL FINDINGS. Crazy right? No, not crazy, to normal people. But I’ve grown to expect the worst. It’s like “Hey, things are going TOO great. I’m enjoying my life TOO much. This can’t actually be the case. When is the other shoe going to drop?” This thought is a frequent visitor in my brain. And to a certain degree I think this is a thought that all of us hypochondriacs are afflicted with. We assume there has to be something wrong. But the truth of the matter is that is not the case. It is possible to just be having a good life. Instead of preparing for the seemingly impending doom, just sit back and enjoy it. And my only other recommendation for all you hypochondriacs out there is: DO NOT USE WEBMD. It is a vicious black hole for our sanity.

Spin the wheels

With today being Halloween, I am inspired to share my thoughts on this holiday that is, and has been, such a large part of our lives. No matter where you live, in the country or the world, everyone celebrates Halloween in some manner. Living in China I had the pleasure of being a part of a kindergarten’s interpretation of Halloween, which was more organization than fun, as well as seeing the streets full of women donning light up horns and ears. I felt slightly more like I was at Disney world than celebrating Halloween in that instance. But this is beside the point.

I have a love/hate relationship with holidays. Yes, they are a reason to celebrate which I am all for. Regardless of who you are, everyone likes a nice celebration, a reason to eat, have a drink, dance around without a care. But then there are those things that you just can’t stand, that come out of nowhere and can ruin your holiday joy as quickly as that time you fell off the stage at the club. Mid Gangnam style domination. The point is, it’s not a pretty sight. And for me, I just can’t get over how much of a competitive, scandalous holiday it has become.

The thing is, Halloween has always been an essential aspect of childhood. Key word being CHILD. It’s like the Christmas morning of the candy gods. Halloween, which was once a day where you would get together with your friends and run around your neighborhood asking for candy. The one and only day of the year it is socially acceptable to accept candy from a stranger. Just make sure the candy is wrapped if you’re visiting an especially suspect part of town. After the night was done, you would arrive home, throw all your candy on the living room floor and pick out all the stuff you liked and all you didn’t. And at the same time hope that your parents hadn’t given out all the candy that they bought (because you obviously had them buy only the things you liked. In the anticipation of leftovers). After assessing your candy stash you would sit there eating as much as you possibly could, before making yourself sick.

But it seems it has faced the demise of its former glory as a diabetic coma inducing night (or week) full of eating Reese’s cups and Milky-ways.  Now people will spend obscene amounts of time and money on costumes that they then wear for one day. To me, it parallels the concept of a wedding dress. Why yes, I would LOVE to spend $10,000 on a dress that I am going to wear for maybe 6 hours. With the slight chance I’ll wear it a few more hours for a trash the dress session. So effectively I have spent an absurd amount of money in order to buy something and then destroy it? I don’t know about you, but I could certainly think of a million better ways to spend that same money. But I digress. I highly doubt anyone spends that much money on a Halloween costume, but then again they may which still spells out stupidity to me.

Back to Halloween. Here’s how I see the process every year. Beginning of October to your friends/significant other, you might say one of the following:  “Hey what should we be?!” “Hey what are you going to be?” “Do you know what anyone else is going as?”. Or some variation of these. After the initial inquiry, begins the panic. You begin down this black hole of thoughts, “Oh wow, that is such a great idea. How are we going to do it? But wait, is it popular? Will people get it? What if other people are doing the same idea? I don’t want to have the same costume as other people. But if we do have the same costume it HAS to be the BEST.” The last one is the final nail in the coffin. So at some point in October, everyone reaches this point. They have come up with their costume idea, but now they will do anything and everything in their power in order to make their costume the best. You hope that people will literally stop and want to take a picture with you on account of the celebrity spotting. But in all reality, do you need that recognition. ( I won’t lie, when I was ten and the five year olds at the neighborhood trick-or-treat thought I was ACTUALLY Ariel, I enjoyed it. But then again I was ten years old.) Did you need to spend a week going to every craft store in the triangle area to find the PERFECT color of tulle for you skirt, or hat or whatever? No you did not. That was both a waste of your time and money. Because in all honesty, I don’t think anyone actually cares if you look so much like a cupcake that someone tries to take a bite out of you. Albeit, an entertaining story later, not worth the hassle.

Personally I am a huge fan of the creative costume. And no, not the creative one that everyone and their brother has done (ex: cereal killer. HA HA HA. No). I like ones that actually didn’t take that much effort, yet somehow garner quite a positive response. Yes you need to spend some time getting those creative juices flowing, but it’s probably a good exercise for your brain. And trust me Facebook will still be there when you’re done thinking, and the more time you spend, just think of how many more new posts there will be to stalk!  And the thing is, when you actually think about something that is even mildly unique or different, you can pat yourself on the back for your creativity. Even if there are some other people out there with a similar costume, at least you’re not the ten thousandth Lady Gaga of the day. The thing that really matters is that you enjoy your costume, I mean if you can’t laugh at yourself, then what’s the point?

The other issue I have is with the “slutty” costume. And yes, this is targeted at the ladies. But we all know this costume. It has become more of a theme than any of the professions it typically accompanies. I mean when is the last time you saw just a “Maid” costume? Never. No one wants to roll up to the bar in a Molly Maids outfit and ask for a drink. You’re likely going home alone in that outfit. So instead society has trained us to come up with outfits that merely reveal every square inch of our body, at the expense of any sort of originality. It’s like well, if you’re not going to have the perfect costume, show a little cleavage and that will improve everything. And here’s the thing, I’m not against showing a little skin. I’m not going to go and say this trend of costumes is a terrible degradation of women, because it’s really not. Quite frankly women often do it to themselves. No one forced you to prance around in that outfit that effectively covers only the essentials. But we’re conditioned to think that this is how we should dress up.  Venturing into the night, scantily clad in the hopes of piquing the interest of that Sponge Bob – No pants you’ve been eyeing all night.

But I say down with the normal. No, I’m not saying you need to go reenacting that episode of friends where Joey wears every single piece of Chandler’s clothing, this Halloween. Rather I am offering an alternative. Actually two. My first is, if you are a female, maybe you should take this whole slutty concept and run with it. I mean don’t be that person wearing the prepackaged slutty outfit, hot from the factories of China, spice it up. BE CREATIVE. Crazy thought right? Take something, which never, in a million years could ever be sexy and make it sexy. People will be both amused and in awe by your skills. If you’re drawing a blank, i’ll get you started. Frosted Flakes: Not sexy. Untilllll you write “they’re grrrrrrrreat” across your chest. Perks: you don’t have to be half naked and it has a slight hint of slut. My other suggestion is hey ladies, let’s turn this sexy thing back on the guys. I mean yeah, every once in a while you get a fireman or policeman or whatnot. But come on guys, stop being lumberjacks and add some sex appeal. But remember, points for creativity. Canadian Tarzan anyone?