Zephyr in the Sky

            I think it would be safe to assume that most everyone has moved at least once in his or her lifetime. Whether it is simply to a new home, a new city, a new state or an entirely new country. Sure, there is a lot of talk about how to get acquainted with the new place, adjusting to your surroundings and really diving into the culture. But what happens when you return home? Returning to the place you used to know so well or where you grew up can be slightly more challenging than you would have anticipated. The thing is regardless of how much the place and people have or haven’t changed, it’s hard not to feel like you’ve changed and somehow don’t quite fit in. Now that was a rather dramatic, yet vague explanation of what I’m getting at.

            So I’ve had my fair share of moving places, from my parents’ home to college, to work in China and back to the states to work here in North Carolina. With each move there were unique challenges for sure. But what I find the most difficult to overcome is when I came back from China (which I am just now starting to adjust back to, and it’s been nearly 8 months, but hey gotta pace yourself right?). So for me the thing was, I had lived in China and had all these experiences, things I wanted to talk about and share with everyone, but at the same time it’s hard to really dive in and give people a full impression of my experience. The number of times I heard people say “Tell me about China” was and still is almost every day. At this point there are plenty of times that I don’t even want to tell people I lived there. Because I almost feel like they will ask the question out of courtesy, expect a quick and comprehensive answer and we’ll move on. And if it goes on much longer than a few minutes, they’ll quickly lose interest and I’ll be awkward. And let’s face it, I can’t be brief. I could literally talk to a wall for hours and hours and ramble on. The flow of the conversation will make no sense to anyone, even me. And the truth of the matter is, what if someone right now asked you to tell him or her about the last two years of your life? Well you wouldn’t even know where to start. That’s exactly how I feel. Which is only natural, because this is real life, it’s not a two hour movie where you go through someone’s lifetime. Hit all the key points and you’re done.

So this is where I ended up reaching a point where I didn’t tell anyone about China and felt the need to only be interested in what other people had done/were doing now, because I figured no one cared or wanted to hear about my adventures. Whether out of complete disinterest, or jealousy of the awesomeness of said adventures. This whole not thinking people cared about what I had to say, isn’t exactly the most cheerful thing ever, but it can happen nonetheless. Whether it be a break-up, losing touch with a friend, moving or whatever has happened in your life; any of these events could easily be a catalyst, leading you to this place. For me I opted for the brief delve into mild hermitude and truly unnatural behavior. Solely in the sense that I was about as excited about life as Marcel the Shell,  essentially a little dull and not exactly a ray of sunshine to be around. The funniest part of this all is that none of my friends seemed to notice or point this out to me… Now I won’t fully hold them accountable (particularly my cyber friends, because they didn’t see me IRL), because well I am in control of my own actions, but still I wish a little that someone had been like “Yo, SNAP OUT of this slump”. Maybe that would have jolted me back to reality, maybe not. But regardless, I did it for myself and I realize now that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter what you did, where you went, etc; the people that really care are still going to really care. Once you’re able to truly grasp that, you can be yourself (as cliché as that sounds). But I do think we all have a hard time of realizing that simple truth, and try to be someone we’re not. In my case coming back stateside affected me strangely more than I anticipated. I credit that to the whole unemployed and living at home with the parents (that will give anyone a bit of a shock). But regardless, lesson learned, and in the future I think I’ll certainly try to keep in mind what’s important. Which ultimately are me, and the people that I care about/care about me. In the end that’s all that really matters.  

The Hands of Time

Too often it seems people are saying that they don’t have enough time for this or that. That they are too busy with their own life to grab some fro-yo or hit up the latest indie movie premiere. We’re all guilty of it. I don’t know of anyone who can honestly say that they’ve never used some variation of the “I don’t have enough time” excuse. The more important point is, how often is that actually true? Can you really say that you don’t legitimately have time to do things? Quite frankly I have far too much time on my hands and get exhausted trying to come up with things to fill my time, but that could mainly be due to my unemployment.

But what I can say is there have been times when I’ve actually had a full schedule. Whether while I was in school or working, I’ve done the full time gig, and yes it’s exhausting. When I worked in Beijing, I was spending two hours alone each day commuting, I left the apartment at 7am and usually didn’t return until 7:30pm. BUT that doesn’t mean I wasn’t willing to sacrifice some time to see the friends I actually wanted to see, or do the things I actually wanted to do. Let’s face it, right now I don’t have any real responsibilities. I don’t have any kids, husband, boyfriend ( I don’t even have a plant to take care of), so saying that I don’t have enough time to do something would be a complete lie.

The thing is everyone has stuff to do. Everyone has a job, hobbies, friends, etc. Also, everyone has priorities. That’s what it really comes down to. In our busy lives, we make the time for the people and things we actually WANT. I’m not going to spend my time doing something I’m entirely uninterested in. That’s just not a good use of my (not so valuable) time, or anyone else’s time. And believe me, it’s obvious when someone doesn’t want to hang out with you. It may not be so obvious to the person requesting the hang out. But if you’ve tried to spend time with someone over and over again, and they seem to be more busy than a beaver, I say give it a rest. In the end it really comes down to the fact that if two people are meant to be friends, it has to be a mutual thing.  

So next time you want to use the “I don’t have time excuse”, try out one of these better options. Well they may not be better. But at least they’ll get the point across to the other person that you don’t actually want to spend time with them.

1.     I’m taking a nightly class on being a puppet master

2.     I’m really nervous waiting to hear the results of my STD test

3.     I’ll be busy this weekend, I need to watch the whole series of The OC

4.     I need to alphabetize my album collection

5.     My phone is in desperate need of bedazzling

6.     I have to take care of my sea monkeys 

7.     I’m going off the grid

8.     Actually I do not want to hang out with you

Have some decency. Hang with the people you want to. And stop kidding yourself trying to be that nice person with people you don’t want to be friends with. Quite frankly I think I’ve lived in the south too long and that southern hospitality thing is a little overplayed. But in the end, I am happy to be cordial to everyone, but when it comes to spending my time I just want to make it count. Make it count with the ones you care about. 

do you

Everyone is familiar with the phrase “Do unto others”. Standing as a basis for some sort of moral or behavioral code for many, bringing to light the concept that you should treat others how you would like to be treated. In an ideal world this universal reciprocity would be honored, but in reality, there is plenty of room for interpretation. What you think is good treatment, may to me be the worst thing I could imagine. Some people like to be hugged; I don’t particularly enjoy being touched. So while in theory it would be nice to live in a world where everyone is treated how they would want to be, in reality, it is rather impractical. This idea assumes that there is an allusive ideal, and ultimately forces us to play to an unrealistic average. And this can be easily applied to not only how you treat others, but how you treat yourself. In everything from the news to your social circles, we are expected to live up to certain expectations. Told that there is a way you are supposed to look and act, that is best. But to whom?

                I would like to be as impartial about this topic as possible, but, I don’t think I’ll be able to help myself. Because quite frankly I think these societal pressures are much more unevenly distributed to women than men. And I’m not saying that men don’t suffer from certain pressures, I’m just obviously not familiar with them and it seems they are not quite as visible in the media. Where women are told that they must meet certain guidelines of appearances and behaviors in order to be successful or snag that perfect man.  But the truth of the matter is that there is no ideal that can be applied to everyone. I mean think about it, do you really want to be average? I for sure do not want to. That’s no fun, who wants to be the same as everyone else? The thing is we buy too much into these ideas of what makeup or clothes you are “supposed” to wear. We become so consumed in this that we lose sight of what we want and what makes us feel good, for ourselves, not for someone else (or even just the idea of what someone else might possibly like). But how on earth do you think that magazine knows exactly what you like or what your crush will like? Half the time I don’t know exactly what I want, or it changes frequently without warning. And I’m not saying I don’t do the same thing, but I just don’t understand why. Do what you want, wear what you want, say what you want (obviously without being malicious. But hey, if that’s you, well I won’t tell you what to do). It’s time we stop worrying so much about what other people think or want us to do or say. When you get to the point that you are only doing things because you think you should, or are supposed to, it seems that maybe you are beginning to lose sight of you in a quest for this unattainable ideal or average. So next time you start reading those articles suggesting how you should look or act, think twice. Because I for sure know that I am not the average. Nor do I want to be. I believe that my friends and family love me BECAUSE I’m a pale, ginger who is neurotic, a hopeless romantic, loves Pocahontas, among other things; not in spite of these.

I’ve come to a point where I realized that we need to all start appreciating ourselves more. Just the way we are. I know that sounds cliché. Love yourself nonsense. But it really is true, you can’t expect other people to like you or want to be around you if you don’t start acting like you’re pretty great. But here comes the problem. Some people skim a little too close to becoming conceited, and well that is a quality that is not attractive on anyone. But what I do think is important is that you should start thinking about your good qualities and take pride in those things you like about you. If you need to write down a list, do it. If you’re especially self-deprecating like me and need to ask others what they like about you, do it. Whatever works for you to get that nudge in the right direction. Then believe it! I am entirely confident that how you feel about yourself directly correlates to the positive or negative vibes you give off. I’m not saying it in a superstitious way or anything, but happy fun people are just more fun to be around. I don’t know too many people that want their best friends to be negative Nancy and pouting Pamela. But then again, I’m no average that anyone can compare themselves to and by all means go hit the coffee house with Nancy and Pamela, as long as you’re being you! And hey, don’t be ashamed of those things you love. In an ideal world I would walk around every day in denim cut offs, flannel and Birkenstocks; with the Pocahontas soundtrack as musical accompaniment of course. And haters can hate, but I’ll just flip my hair, like I don’t care.

Killing Me Softly

I’ve never really been an emotional person and definitely have a habit of guarding my feelings as much as possible. To many people this seems to be a negative thing, and well I’m not saying it’s good by any means, it’s just a fact of life. But the other thing I never really understood is how even the most simple sentence or event could drastically alter someone’s mood or feelings. That was until I came to Beijing. In my time here, for some reason to me everything seems exaggerated. Every emotion. The good, the bad and the ugly. From drinking $1 beers on the street, to soaking up this seemingly endless pollution.

                     All of my friends back home ask me if it is really as bad as all the articles say, and are in shock with my responses and my utter lack of ability to describe it to them. It’s just one of those things that I don’t think you can understand unless you experience it. Most westerners take for granted the clean air and the government telling the accurate levels of air pollution in their home country. Then you get to Beijing and an AQI level of 150 is a “good day” to us. By all western health standards, that is very unhealthy air, but we’re grateful it’s not in the hazardous range. The sun comes out and everyone is more excited than a kid on Christmas morning.

                     So what I really wanted to get at is the effects of the pollution on the citizens here in Beijing. There has been so much talk about the health concerns, which yes is a big issue, but what about the general mood? I’ll be honest, the Chinese people aren’t the most emotional people I’ve met. The occasional smile on the subway, but that is rare. Yet, Saturday I went to Houhai lake to go ice-skating and it was packed with people smiling and having fun. Because shockingly, the sun was out. In fact last Friday when the AQI was at only about 50, half the people at my work called in sick (Undoubtedly to enjoy the nice weather. Because it is beyond hard to come by). So with that being said, it is shocking to me how much weather can affect a person’s mood. But I guess it makes sense why the Aussies are probably the happiest people I’ve ever met. They spend their whole lives basking in the sun and enjoying temps that never dip below freezing. Something about getting some vitamin D and a warm breeze truly lifts everyone’s spirits. And I think Beijing is a prime example. Even the slightest glimpse of sun and you can feel the general mood has been lifted. On the contrary, on those cold polluted days you have no desire to even look out the window. You become a recluse, sitting on the couch watching seasons of Boardwalk Empire, or whatever your preference, and order delivery for lunch and dinner. Because who can be bothered with even making some food. Literally your lungs hurt. I walk to the 7-11, which is barely a 5 minute walk outside and I’m wheezing to catch my breath. Wondering if this is what it feels like to be a chain smoker.

                     What’s worse is how much I seem to have taken for granted my whole life living in North Carolina. Yes, the weather can be bipolar. Seventy degrees one day and thirty the next, but those Carolina blue skies are something I wouldn’t trade for anything. It’s absolutely beautiful and it’s almost hard not to smile. And what I think is the worst thing is that most Beijingers have no idea what they’re missing out on. I’m not saying at all that they are ignorant to the fact that the pollution is particularly bad right now. You can’t deny it, just looking out the window. But at the same time if you’ve grown up around it, I suppose you get acclimated to it. Or at the very least accept it as something which you can not change. Though, I really think that is likely a cause to the increased severity. Once you think you can’t do anything, there is no way it could possibly improve. You actually have to make the effort to improve your circumstances. You can’t just magically expect things will change. Wishful thinking and serendipity can only go so far… 

Resolute

So since it’s the beginning of a new year, it feels only natural to do that obligatory mention of New Years Resolutions. You know hopes for the coming year, which are spawned from your reflection of the previous year. Those lofty claims that for the most part people don’t ever keep (pardon my cynical and generalized opinion). Yes, you have great intentions and really want to do something to change your life, typically for the better. Whether it is making you a nicer, healthier person, or whatever is important to you; on January 1^st. But the truth of the matter is that the dedication to this starts to fade as quickly as the winter turns to fall, and the gyms full of people hopeful to get into shape are left with only the people that were there last December. And what’s the reason for this? I guess maybe you could say life just gets in the way? But that seems like another generic excuse to me.

Well I haven’t made any new years resolutions, because it seems one of my biggest problems is sticking to said resolutions. So maybe I’ll just be vague about it and say that I hope to be better at maintaining commitments (primarily those with myself) this year? But first I think it is important to acknowledge this flaw about myself. Because, you know, I could probably go on and on coming up with excuses as to why I haven’t kept certain commitments. Such as maintaining a blog, working out more (or in general) and altogether being a much more warm and friendly person.  Well the first two I could say “oh, I’m too busy”, but the fact is I could definitely chalk those up to pure laziness. And well the last one, that’s just an ongoing work in progress. But the point of all of this is that I am not going to make excuses for not doing the things I have told myself I want to do. The fact is, if you want to do something you just have to go for it. 

I’ve realized (and this doesn’t mean that I’ve fully put this knowledge into practice) that it is very important to admit to your mistakes and ultimately take accountability for your actions. For the most part we all know when we have made a mistake. Whether you know right away, or find out months down the road. You eventually find out and what is most important is how you react to this knowledge. It can show a surprising amount about someone as to whether they take credit. Even the most successful people make mistakes, and you can’t just claim credit for your successes. Personally, I’ve become more aware of this fact in the past month here in Beijing. Basically, I’ve been feeling like I want to go home for a little while and I’ve finally gotten to the point to admit that to myself. And while I’m not saying I think being in Beijing is a mistake at all, I’ve absolutely loved my time here and all, but I know this chapter is coming to an end. And I think it is just as important to admit when you need to make a change in your life or move on, as it is to admit to mistakes. It’s all an accountability thing, and I don’t want to be that person that uses other people or factors as excuses to the way they live their life.

So now, it’s very plausible that I lost you, as I have a way of doing with my normal train of thought. But to me it all comes together in that if you’re going to make one New Years Resolution, I’d recommend for it to be to actually stick to that resolution. And I know that’s like a double resolution, but it’s all about taking accountability. In other news, I would like to point out that I do not think I am an authority on anything. Merely these are my general thoughts and ramblings, and definitely take them with a grain of salt. Deuces.